A few weeks after moving in, a boy from my youth group when I was a teenager, came back into my life. We started texting back and forth. I told him about my little cottage in Heflin. He laughed because I had no TV so I sat at home at night with my candles reading books. He offered to bring me a TV to borrow. The day he came over to my cottage for the first time, my water had been turned off. The power, I had turned on in my name. The water was already on so I figured I’d just pay the bill when it came. Guess what, adulthood doesn’t work that way. I had no water. After that little lesson once the water was turned back on, well….
It wasn’t hot. Ever. So that boy, came over, and lit my pilot light (what the heck is a pilot light and why is it in my basement. That boy came over every chance he got. He changed light bulbs, he found water meters, he moved boxes from the middle of my living room floor to the basement. He worked out of town so we saw each other as often as possible but it was never enough. A few months later, he brought 2 little boys with him when he came to visit.
Over time, that boy left being on the road and came home for good. My home became our home. And it was hard. My little cottage for 2 became a home for 5. We went from seeing each other maybe once every couple of weeks to literally never being apart. It made for a lot of growing pains but it also made for some beautiful memories. We began going back to church. For the first time together in 15 years. The days grew longer and we spent our Summer as a family running from baseball game to baseball practice. The drive weighing on us. We knew as it got closer to the boys going back to school, the drive was going to kill us taking them to school every day.
This is not my home
A 30 minute drive each way. Not counting practices. My days in my cottage were coming to an end. Buck’s new job has been longer days than expected and if he was home he was asleep. My grandmother broke her hip and ended up in rehab. All the transition hit me at once. And I broke. I was ill, I was angry and I didn’t know why. I was lonely and I was frustrated. The world was spinning too fast yet it felt like nothing at all was happening. I found myself in yet another valley. So I went to God again. I began to journal my prayers. I prayed for a spirit of peace and joy and gentleness. I wept for him to take away my spirit of anxiety and loneliness and abandonment.
And slowly but surely, I fell in love with that boy who time and time again, came to my rescue, who helped me stumble through learning to adult for the first time in my life
I begged for the understanding that fighting with me was not the same as fighting for me. And I felt God begin to break me open. To give me clarity. To fill me with a spirit of worship. I began to get excited about finding a new home closer to the boys’ school. Closer to the community I was growing quickly apart of. Then the day came we began to actively look. I woke up with a great attitude. Then we walked into the first house and my spirit of excitement and hopefulness was quickly replaced with absolute anxiety and sadness. My home is with my fireplaces and my built ins and my cookbooks and my candles and and and and…… I messaged April.